9 min read
mood: exhausted
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The Invisible Workload
Let me tell you about the invisible workload that comes with being different in multiple ways. While everyone else is just living their lives, I'm running a full-time mental operation center, constantly managing, adapting, and compensating for things that are just part of who I am.
It's exhausting, and most people have no idea it's even happening.
The Daily Calculations
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The Hidden Decisions
Every single day starts with calculations other people don't have to make: Which social situations can I handle today given my energy levels? Do I have the mental bandwidth to deal with people staring if I go out? Is my ADHD medication wearing off, and how will that affect my ability to filter my thoughts in conversations?
Add speech challenges on top of that, and suddenly every interaction becomes a performance. I'm:
- • Monitoring my clarity, my pace, my volume
- • Watching people's faces for signs of confusion or judgment
- • Having backup conversations ready in case I need to repeat myself or explain what I meant
""Then there's the depression lurking in the background, adding its own layer of complexity. Some days it whispers that all this effort isn't worth it, that I should just stay home where I don't have to manage anyone else's reactions to my differences.
The Masking Marathon
🎭 The Professional Masking
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The Professional Masking
The thing about having multiple invisible and visible differences is that you become a professional at masking. I've gotten so good at appearing "normal" that even I sometimes forget how much work I'm putting into it.
With ADHD, I'm constantly battling my brain's tendency to jump between thoughts, hyper-focus on the wrong things, or completely zone out mid-conversation. I've developed elaborate systems to appear organized and attentive when my brain feels like it's running five different programs at once.
My speech requires constant monitoring slowing down when I'm excited, enunciating clearly when I'm tired, finding alternative words when my mouth won't cooperate with what my brain wants to say.
And through it all, I'm managing the visual aspects too—positioning myself in good lighting, being conscious of my expressions, reading the room for any signs that someone's fixating on my appearance instead of listening to what I'm saying.
With ADHD, I'm constantly battling my brain's tendency to jump between thoughts, hyper-focus on the wrong things, or completely zone out mid-conversation. I've developed elaborate systems to appear organized and attentive when my brain feels like it's running five different programs at once.
My speech requires constant monitoring slowing down when I'm excited, enunciating clearly when I'm tired, finding alternative words when my mouth won't cooperate with what my brain wants to say.
And through it all, I'm managing the visual aspects too—positioning myself in good lighting, being conscious of my expressions, reading the room for any signs that someone's fixating on my appearance instead of listening to what I'm saying.
The Cognitive Overload
""Here's what people don't realize: all of this mental management takes up serious brain space. While other people can use their full cognitive capacity for work, relationships, and pursuing their goals, I'm dedicating a significant portion of my mental resources just to existing in the world without making others uncomfortable.
💭 The Brain Space Cost
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The Brain Space Cost
It's like running multiple apps on your phone simultaneously everything starts running slower. By the end of the day, I'm not just tired from normal daily activities; I'm exhausted from the constant mental multitasking required to navigate the world with my particular combination of differences.
Some days the load feels lighter hen I'm in familiar environments with understanding people, when my ADHD is well managed, when I'm having a good mental health day. But other days, it feels overwhelming, like I'm juggling too many balls and inevitably going to drop one.
Some days the load feels lighter hen I'm in familiar environments with understanding people, when my ADHD is well managed, when I'm having a good mental health day. But other days, it feels overwhelming, like I'm juggling too many balls and inevitably going to drop one.
The Invisible Spillover
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The Lingering Effects
The mental load doesn't stay contained to social situations. It follows me home, into my relationships, into my work. Depression amplifies everything. On bad days, the effort required to manage all these differences feels impossible.
The voice in my head says it would be easier to just avoid situations altogether rather than carry this mental load. But isolation only makes the depression worse, creating this cycle that's hard to break.
The Support System Strategy
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Managing the Load
I've learned that managing this mental load is partly about building systems and partly about finding people who understand the work you're doing. Having friends who know about my ADHD means I don't have to hide when I'm struggling to focus. Having colleagues who understand my speech patterns means I spend less energy worrying about clarity and more energy contributing ideas.
It's also about recognizing when the load is too heavy and giving myself permission to take breaks. Some days that means declining social invitations. Other days it means working from home where I don't have to manage as many variables. It's not giving up it's being strategic about my energy.
It's also about recognizing when the load is too heavy and giving myself permission to take breaks. Some days that means declining social invitations. Other days it means working from home where I don't have to manage as many variables. It's not giving up it's being strategic about my energy.
The Unexpected Strengths
💪 The Hidden Benefits
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The Hidden Benefits
Here's something interesting I've discovered: all this mental management has made me incredibly skilled at reading people and situations. I can pick up on social cues that others miss, adapt quickly to different environments, and navigate complex interpersonal dynamics with a precision that comes from years of practice.
The constant awareness required to manage my differences has also made me more empathetic to others who might be struggling in ways that aren't immediately obvious. I know what it's like to work twice as hard to achieve the same results, so I recognize that effort in others.
The constant awareness required to manage my differences has also made me more empathetic to others who might be struggling in ways that aren't immediately obvious. I know what it's like to work twice as hard to achieve the same results, so I recognize that effort in others.
Still Learning Balance
""I'm still figuring out how to carry this mental load without letting it consume all my energy. Some days I manage it better than others.
The goal isn't to eliminate the load that's not realistic when you're navigating the world with multiple differences. The goal is to carry it more efficiently and to find people and environments that help lighten it when possible.
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The Silver Lining
Because while this mental load is real and exhausting, it's also made me who I am. The awareness, the adaptability, the resilience they all come from learning to manage complexity that others don't have to face. That's not nothing. That's actually quite a lot.