10 min read
mood: educational
📚
Let Me Just Say This Upfront
I was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. Over 20 surgeries so far and still not completely fixed. I don't say that for sympathy. I say it because when I talk about this topic maybe more people will learn to understand me.
And the fewer weird moments happen in public, So let me break it down.
And the fewer weird moments happen in public, So let me break it down.
🧩 What It Actually Is
🧩
What It Actually Is
When a baby is developing, the face forms in pieces that eventually come together. With a cleft, some of those pieces don't fully connect. That is it. A cleft lip means there is a gap in the upper lip. A cleft palate means the roof of the mouth did not close all the way. You can have one or the other. I got both.
It happens in about 1 in every 700 births. It is not rare. You have probably met someone with one and did not even realize it.
It happens in about 1 in every 700 births. It is not rare. You have probably met someone with one and did not even realize it.
🔍 What Causes It
🔍
What Causes It
This is where people get weird. I have heard everything. No, it is not contagious. I still remember a mom pulling her kid away from me at a grocery store when I was little like I was going to give her child something. That stays with you.
The truth is most of the time nobody knows exactly why it happens. Sometimes genetics play a role. Sometimes they don't. There is no single cause. The parents did not do anything wrong. It just happens during development. Trying to find someone to blame for it misses the point entirely.
The truth is most of the time nobody knows exactly why it happens. Sometimes genetics play a role. Sometimes they don't. There is no single cause. The parents did not do anything wrong. It just happens during development. Trying to find someone to blame for it misses the point entirely.
🌟 What Growing Up With It Looks Like
🌟
What Growing Up With It Looks Like
Surgeries, a lot of them. Speech therapy and dental work that never seems to end. Feeding difficulties as a baby that your parents had to figure out in real time. That is the physical side.
The other side is harder to explain. You grow up knowing you look different, people stare. Kids ask questions that adults are too uncomfortable to ask themselves. You learn pretty early that the world notices you before you get a chance to introduce yourself.
And then there is the voice thing. Some kids with cleft lip have a voice that some people would call nasal. Mine is that it just sounds younger than I am. People hear me on the phone and assume I am a kid. In professional settings that creates real friction. You have to work harder to be taken seriously when the first impression does not match what people expect.
Building confidence through all of that takes time. It is not a straight line. Some days you feel fine, some days someone looks at you a little too long and it gets under your skin. That is just the reality.
The other side is harder to explain. You grow up knowing you look different, people stare. Kids ask questions that adults are too uncomfortable to ask themselves. You learn pretty early that the world notices you before you get a chance to introduce yourself.
And then there is the voice thing. Some kids with cleft lip have a voice that some people would call nasal. Mine is that it just sounds younger than I am. People hear me on the phone and assume I am a kid. In professional settings that creates real friction. You have to work harder to be taken seriously when the first impression does not match what people expect.
Building confidence through all of that takes time. It is not a straight line. Some days you feel fine, some days someone looks at you a little too long and it gets under your skin. That is just the reality.
💡
What I Wish People Understood
You are going to notice, that is fine. Humans notice things that are different. I am not asking anyone to pretend they don't see it.
But there is a difference between noticing and staring. A glance is normal. Locking eyes on someone like they are an exhibit is not.
We are not broken. We are not suffering every second of the day. Most of us live completely normal lives. We work, we build things, and we have relationships. We do all the regular human stuff. The cleft is part of the story but it is not the whole story.
If your kid asks about it, let them ask. Honestly that is better than the parent who whispers and pulls their child away. Kids are curious. That is healthy. It is the adults who make it weird.
But there is a difference between noticing and staring. A glance is normal. Locking eyes on someone like they are an exhibit is not.
We are not broken. We are not suffering every second of the day. Most of us live completely normal lives. We work, we build things, and we have relationships. We do all the regular human stuff. The cleft is part of the story but it is not the whole story.
If your kid asks about it, let them ask. Honestly that is better than the parent who whispers and pulls their child away. Kids are curious. That is healthy. It is the adults who make it weird.
""The Bigger Picture
Having a cleft lip and palate taught me something about people. We are uncomfortable with things we don't understand. And when we are uncomfortable, we either avoid it or we make assumptions. Both of those make it worse.
The fix is simple. Talk about it, ask questions if you are genuinely curious. Treat people like people first. The more normal these conversations become, the less weight they carry for the next kid growing up with a cleft who is trying to figure out where they fit in the world.
I am not that different from you. I just had a few extra steps to get here.