4 min read
mood: hopeful
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Living Without a Timeline
I have always lived not knowing what tomorrow looks like. That is not some deep metaphor. That was literally my life. The phone would ring and they would tell me it was time for another surgery. Sometimes I would be out for six months after. No timeline. No guarantees. Just waiting to heal enough to go back to whatever version of normal I had before they cut me open again.
You lose people living like that. Friends do not stick around when you disappear for half a year and come back different. They move on. They have to. And I get it now but back then it just felt like I was being left behind by everyone while my body kept pulling me out of my own life.
You lose people living like that. Friends do not stick around when you disappear for half a year and come back different. They move on. They have to. And I get it now but back then it just felt like I was being left behind by everyone while my body kept pulling me out of my own life.
🚫 When Dreaming Felt Dangerous
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When Dreaming Felt Dangerous
The worst part was not the surgeries. It was what they did to my ability to dream. I stopped looking forward to things because every time I did, something would come along and crush it. A plan I made would get canceled. A goal I set would get interrupted. After enough of that you just stop. You tell yourself that living one day at a time is the smart move. The safe move. You convince yourself it is wisdom when really it is just survival.
And for a long time I believed that. One day at a time. Do not get your hopes up. Just get through today.
And for a long time I believed that. One day at a time. Do not get your hopes up. Just get through today.
🔑 Surviving vs Living
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Surviving vs Living
But I have been sitting with something lately. That mindset kept me alive but it is no way to actually live. There is a difference between surviving and building something. And I have been surviving for so long that I forgot I am allowed to want things. I am allowed to set goals and have dreams and look forward to stuff even if not all of it works out.
That is the part I am learning now. Not everything I dream up is going to happen. That is fine. But some of it will. And I should be the one deciding which things those are. I should be the one choosing what I chase instead of just reacting to whatever life throws at me next.
That is the part I am learning now. Not everything I dream up is going to happen. That is fine. But some of it will. And I should be the one deciding which things those are. I should be the one choosing what I chase instead of just reacting to whatever life throws at me next.
""Dictating My Own Future
I spent years letting circumstances dictate my future. Now I want to dictate it myself. Even if it is messy. Even if I am still carrying all the old stuff with me while I figure it out.