7 min read
mood: empowering
💪
The Confidence Struggle
What can I say? Confidence is one of the hardest things to have as humans. Everything we do is seen and observed whether we want it or not—from our parents to our coworkers, everything can be used against us. So how can I, a girl with a cleft lip and palate, knowing everyone can see I look different, learn to feel confident?
Honestly? I still struggle with this every day.
But I'm learning that maybe that's exactly what real confidence looks like—not the absence of struggle, but the willingness to keep going despite it.
Honestly? I still struggle with this every day.
But I'm learning that maybe that's exactly what real confidence looks like—not the absence of struggle, but the willingness to keep going despite it.
👻 The Invisible Years
👻
The Invisible Years
All my life, I've done my best to become invisible because that's how I avoided getting bullied. That's how I escaped the weird looks and the sad, pitying stares. Growing up, that's all I could see when I went out, unfortunately. The world felt like one giant spotlight, and I was desperately trying to find the shadows.
I became an expert at:
- Reading rooms
- Choosing not to engage in social gatherings
- Skip the photos
- Speaking quietly to avoid drawing attention to my speech
I thought if I could just make myself small enough, unnoticeable enough, I could move through the world without anyone focusing on my differences.
But here's the thing about trying to be invisible—eventually, you start disappearing from your own life too.
I became an expert at:
- Reading rooms
- Choosing not to engage in social gatherings
- Skip the photos
- Speaking quietly to avoid drawing attention to my speech
I thought if I could just make myself small enough, unnoticeable enough, I could move through the world without anyone focusing on my differences.
But here's the thing about trying to be invisible—eventually, you start disappearing from your own life too.
💔 The Moment That Changed Everything
💔
The Moment That Changed Everything
I remember once when I was little, I was at a supermarket grabbing something while my mom was in another aisle. I had to get close to someone else—a mom with her young child. When the kid asked his mom what I had, she pulled him aside and whispered, "Don't get close, you might catch what she has."
That moment is burned into my memory. Not just because it was rude and completely wrong, but because of how it made me feel about my own existence. As a child, all I wanted to do was run and hide. I felt like I was somehow dangerous, contagious, something to be avoided.
Little by little, growing up, my confidence was chipped away by moments like these. Comments from strangers, stares that lasted too long, the constant awareness that I looked different in a world that valued looking the same.
That moment is burned into my memory. Not just because it was rude and completely wrong, but because of how it made me feel about my own existence. As a child, all I wanted to do was run and hide. I felt like I was somehow dangerous, contagious, something to be avoided.
Little by little, growing up, my confidence was chipped away by moments like these. Comments from strangers, stares that lasted too long, the constant awareness that I looked different in a world that valued looking the same.
🔨 The Adult Rebuilding Project
🔨
The Adult Rebuilding Project
Now, as an adult, I must rebuild that confidence day by day, and honestly? It's hard work. Some days I feel like I'm making progress, feeling strong and self-assured. Other days, I catch myself reverting to old patterns—choosing the corner seat, avoiding eye contact, making myself smaller.
I still can't quite look in the mirror too much because it takes me back to a time I don't want to revisit. But I'm learning that healing isn't linear, and confidence isn't a destination you arrive at—it's something you practice, daily, sometimes hourly.
I still can't quite look in the mirror too much because it takes me back to a time I don't want to revisit. But I'm learning that healing isn't linear, and confidence isn't a destination you arrive at—it's something you practice, daily, sometimes hourly.
🔄
The Shift in Strategy
Here's what I've learned: I do my best to focus on what I need to do, avoid overthinking things, and pursue what I want because people will talk and people will look regardless. I'm the one who has to live my life the way I want to.
This was a huge mindset shift for me. Instead of trying to control other people's reactions (which is impossible), I started focusing on controlling my own responses. Instead of focusing on if others are watching, I started just focusing on myself.
People are going to stare sometimes. Kids are going to ask questions. Some adults will be rude. But I can't let other people's limitations become my limitations. I can't let their discomfort dictate how much space I'm allowed to take up in the world.
This was a huge mindset shift for me. Instead of trying to control other people's reactions (which is impossible), I started focusing on controlling my own responses. Instead of focusing on if others are watching, I started just focusing on myself.
People are going to stare sometimes. Kids are going to ask questions. Some adults will be rude. But I can't let other people's limitations become my limitations. I can't let their discomfort dictate how much space I'm allowed to take up in the world.
📅
The Daily Practice
Building confidence from the inside out means accepting that some days will be harder than others. It means celebrating the small victories—like speaking up in a meeting when I have something valuable to contribute, wearing something that makes me feel good instead of something that helps me blend in, or simply existing in spaces without apologizing for taking up room.
Some practical things that help:
- Setting small, achievable goals for putting myself out there
- Surrounding myself with people who see my worth
- Practicing self-compassion when the confidence is lacking
- Focusing on what I can do rather than how I look
- Building skills and pursuing interests that have nothing to do with appearance
Some practical things that help:
- Setting small, achievable goals for putting myself out there
- Surrounding myself with people who see my worth
- Practicing self-compassion when the confidence is lacking
- Focusing on what I can do rather than how I look
- Building skills and pursuing interests that have nothing to do with appearance
✨
What Real Confidence Actually Looks Like
Real confidence isn't about never feeling insecure or never noticing when people stare. It's about moving forward despite those feelings. It's about choosing to live authentically even when it feels uncomfortable. Some days I feel strong and unbothered; other days, I want to hide. Both are completely okay.
The confidence I'm building now isn't the brittle kind that shatters when someone looks at me wrong. It's the deep-rooted kind that comes from knowing my worth isn't determined by other people's reactions. It's built on accomplishments, relationships, growth, and the simple fact that I deserve to exist fully in this world.
The confidence I'm building now isn't the brittle kind that shatters when someone looks at me wrong. It's the deep-rooted kind that comes from knowing my worth isn't determined by other people's reactions. It's built on accomplishments, relationships, growth, and the simple fact that I deserve to exist fully in this world.
🎭 The Truth About External Validation
🎭
The Truth About External Validation
The truth is, confidence built from within doesn't crumble as easily when faced with external judgment. When we stop waiting for the world's permission to feel good about ourselves, we start building something more lasting and authentic.
I spent years waiting for other people to tell me I was acceptable before I felt acceptable. I was giving strangers in grocery stores, classmates, and random people on the street the power to determine my self-worth. That's a terrible business model for confidence.
I spent years waiting for other people to tell me I was acceptable before I felt acceptable. I was giving strangers in grocery stores, classmates, and random people on the street the power to determine my self-worth. That's a terrible business model for confidence.
🚀 Moving Forward
🚀
Moving Forward
Now it's rare to encounter the kind of blatant rudeness I experienced as a child, but I still notice people looking at me twice or staring a few seconds longer than they would at anyone else. The difference is, I'm not carrying their reactions as evidence of my deficiency anymore.
Some days I catch myself checking my reflection obsessively, positioning myself strategically, or choosing the path of least visibility. When that happens, I try to be gentle with myself. Healing from years of feeling like you need to hide doesn't happen overnight.
Some days I catch myself checking my reflection obsessively, positioning myself strategically, or choosing the path of least visibility. When that happens, I try to be gentle with myself. Healing from years of feeling like you need to hide doesn't happen overnight.
""The Best Advice I Can Give
Stop waiting for the world to validate you before you validate yourself. Your worth isn't determined by strangers' glances or thoughtless comments. You deserve to be seen and to live boldly—exactly as you are.
Confidence isn't about convincing yourself you're perfect or that everyone will love you. It's about accepting that you're worthy of love, respect, and belonging regardless of how you look or what challenges you face.
The journey isn't easy, but it's yours to take. And every day you choose to show up authentically in the world, you're not just building your own confidence you're making it easier for the next person who feels different to do the same.
That little girl in the grocery store deserved better than to feel like she needed to hide. The woman I'm becoming deserves to live without apology. And so do you.