7 min read
mood: honest
📦
Not Enough for Anyone
How are you supposed to feel when nothing you do seems like enough. Not for you. Not for anyone around you. You put in the work. You show up. You try. And at the end of it all you are still standing in the same place wondering what the point was.
I have all these ideas. My brain does not stop generating them. A project, a business concept, something I want to build or create or put out into the world. And I start it. I get excited about it. I form this vision in my head of what it could be and I pour myself into making it real. I get close to finishing and I think this is it. This is the one that is going to land.
Then I show it to the people closest to me. Family. Friends. The people who are supposed to care. And I get a glance. A nod. An okay yeah good job that comes out so fast I know they did not actually look at it. They did not take the time to understand what I built or why it matters. It is just a quick acknowledgment so they can move on to whatever they were already thinking about.
And that kills something in you. Because if the people in your life cannot even take a minute to really see what you made then how are you supposed to believe that anyone else will.
I have all these ideas. My brain does not stop generating them. A project, a business concept, something I want to build or create or put out into the world. And I start it. I get excited about it. I form this vision in my head of what it could be and I pour myself into making it real. I get close to finishing and I think this is it. This is the one that is going to land.
Then I show it to the people closest to me. Family. Friends. The people who are supposed to care. And I get a glance. A nod. An okay yeah good job that comes out so fast I know they did not actually look at it. They did not take the time to understand what I built or why it matters. It is just a quick acknowledgment so they can move on to whatever they were already thinking about.
And that kills something in you. Because if the people in your life cannot even take a minute to really see what you made then how are you supposed to believe that anyone else will.
🔒 Feeling Nothing
🔒
Feeling Nothing
I have a problem with feeling nothing. Not sadness. Not anger. Not frustration. Just nothing. A flatness that sits where emotions should be.
I did this to myself. Or rather my upbringing did it and I kept it going. I pushed my feelings down so many times growing up that somewhere along the way I forgot how to let them up. The wiring got rewired. The door got sealed. And now when I try to feel something it either does not come or it comes all at once like a dam breaking.
When the feelings do show up they are overwhelming. Not in a manageable way. In a way that makes me want to shove them right back down because I do not know what to do with all of it at once. Because I was taught that I should not cry. I should not feel sad. I mean I have a home. I have my health. With just those two things I am ahead of half the people on the planet right.
I did this to myself. Or rather my upbringing did it and I kept it going. I pushed my feelings down so many times growing up that somewhere along the way I forgot how to let them up. The wiring got rewired. The door got sealed. And now when I try to feel something it either does not come or it comes all at once like a dam breaking.
When the feelings do show up they are overwhelming. Not in a manageable way. In a way that makes me want to shove them right back down because I do not know what to do with all of it at once. Because I was taught that I should not cry. I should not feel sad. I mean I have a home. I have my health. With just those two things I am ahead of half the people on the planet right.
🤐 The Muzzle
🤐
The Muzzle
That is what I was told growing up. A lot. Any time I felt anything that was not gratitude I got reminded that I had it good compared to others. And that comparison became a muzzle. How dare you feel sad when other people have it worse. How dare you struggle when you have a roof over your head. So you swallow it. You push it down. You perform being fine because being anything else means you are ungrateful.
But the feelings do not go away. They just wait. And when they finally come out it is at the worst time in the worst way and you end up pushing them down again because the cycle is the only thing you know.
But the feelings do not go away. They just wait. And when they finally come out it is at the worst time in the worst way and you end up pushing them down again because the cycle is the only thing you know.
🧠 The ADHD Layer
🧠
The ADHD Layer
Then there is the ADHD. And honestly that alone would be enough to deal with without everything else stacked on top of it.
I start something. I am locked in. Focused. Excited. Then my brain decides that something else is more interesting or more urgent or just newer and I am on to the next thing before the first one is done. Then I start a third thing. By the end of the day I have touched five different projects and completed none of them. And I sit there looking at the mess of half finished work and feel like a failure because I had an entire day and nothing to show for it.
It is not laziness. I know that logically. But it feels like laziness. And that feeling feeds everything else.
I start something. I am locked in. Focused. Excited. Then my brain decides that something else is more interesting or more urgent or just newer and I am on to the next thing before the first one is done. Then I start a third thing. By the end of the day I have touched five different projects and completed none of them. And I sit there looking at the mess of half finished work and feel like a failure because I had an entire day and nothing to show for it.
It is not laziness. I know that logically. But it feels like laziness. And that feeling feeds everything else.
🔁 Three Layers of the Same Message
🔁
Three Layers of the Same Message
Because here is the cycle. I think I am lazy so I assume everyone else thinks I am lazy too. I think I am ugly so I assume everyone else sees me as ugly too. Whatever flaw I identify in myself I project onto every person I interact with. I walk into a room already knowing what they think about me because I decided it before they even had a chance to form their own opinion.
Internal criticism. Reflective criticism where you are convinced that everyone sees the same flaws you see in yourself. And external criticism from the people around you that confirms what you already believed. Three layers of the same message coming from three different directions all saying the same thing. You are not enough.
And the worst part is that you cannot tell which one started it. Did I start hating myself first and then assume others felt the same. Or did others criticize me first and I just internalized it. It does not matter anymore. The cycle feeds itself. One fuels the other fuels the other and around and around it goes.
Internal criticism. Reflective criticism where you are convinced that everyone sees the same flaws you see in yourself. And external criticism from the people around you that confirms what you already believed. Three layers of the same message coming from three different directions all saying the same thing. You are not enough.
And the worst part is that you cannot tell which one started it. Did I start hating myself first and then assume others felt the same. Or did others criticize me first and I just internalized it. It does not matter anymore. The cycle feeds itself. One fuels the other fuels the other and around and around it goes.
""No Clean Ending
I do not have a clean ending for this one. I do not have a lesson or a breakthrough or a moment where I figured it out. I am still in it. Still pushing feelings down. Still watching people glance at my work without really seeing it. Still starting things I do not finish. Still projecting my worst thoughts about myself onto everyone I meet.
If I had the answer I would share it. But I do not. Not yet. So for now this is just me being honest about what it feels like to be stuck in a loop you built for yourself out of repressed emotions and unfinished projects and a brain that will not sit still long enough to let you catch up.
When I figure out how to stop it I will let you know.