7 min read
mood: clarifying
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The Accommodation Dilemma
There are times at work when you're afraid to ask for accommodations due to how you might be viewed. You know you need them, yet you choose not to ask so you don't get labeled as the "problematic" or "needy" one. But here's the catch—sometimes people already see you as the "needy" one simply because of how you look.
For me, it's immediately visible. I look different, and more often than not, that translates in people's minds to someone who might need more help than others. This assumption has followed me my entire life, creating a difficult relationship with actually asking for help when I genuinely need it.
For me, it's immediately visible. I look different, and more often than not, that translates in people's minds to someone who might need more help than others. This assumption has followed me my entire life, creating a difficult relationship with actually asking for help when I genuinely need it.
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The Teacher's Comment
In school, this played out in contradictory ways. Some teachers would give me extra attention to help me learn, which honestly did help academically. But other students didn't always appreciate the special treatment, and I could feel their resentment. When I had surgeries and would miss half a school year, some teachers just gave up on me entirely believing that I would not make it, that I was "special". They'd pass me along without effort, not bothering with homework or catch-up work, even when my mom and I specifically asked for it.
I'll never forget overhearing one teacher tell another—who was actually trying to teach and push me that she didn't see the need to help me since I "wasn't going to amount to anything." Imagine being thirteen years old and hearing that about yourself.
I'll never forget overhearing one teacher tell another—who was actually trying to teach and push me that she didn't see the need to help me since I "wasn't going to amount to anything." Imagine being thirteen years old and hearing that about yourself.
It broke something in me, but it also taught me a crucial lesson: nobody else was going to care about my education more than me. I needed to go out and learn on my own, advocate for myself, and never rely on others' low expectations to define my potential.
💼 The Professional Continuation
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The Professional Continuation
Now in my professional life, I still see some of this. People sometimes assume I might be a lost cause or too needy to employ, and I watch opportunities slip away. I try hard not to let it get to me, but I'm only human. I notice when people's tone changes after they meet me in person, when their enthusiasm dims, when they start speaking more slowly or explaining things they wouldn't normally explain.
The frustrating part is that they're often accommodating for things I don't actually need speaking louder, oversimplifying concepts, offering help with tasks I can handle perfectly well. Meanwhile, the accommodations I do need maybe flexible scheduling for medical appointments, or understanding my speech sometimes is not perfect but it doesn't mean I can't talk—those go unasked for.
The frustrating part is that they're often accommodating for things I don't actually need speaking louder, oversimplifying concepts, offering help with tasks I can handle perfectly well. Meanwhile, the accommodations I do need maybe flexible scheduling for medical appointments, or understanding my speech sometimes is not perfect but it doesn't mean I can't talk—those go unasked for.
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The Catch-22 of Asking
Here's the impossible situation: when people are already "accommodating" for things you don't need, asking for actual accommodations feels like confirming their assumptions about you being high-maintenance. You become trapped by their misguided helpfulness, unable to advocate for what you actually need without feeding into the "needy" narrative they've already constructed.
So those real accommodations—the ones that would actually help you perform better, feel more comfortable, or manage your energy more effectively—they go unasked. We suffer in silence rather than risk reinforcing stereotypes about people who look different.
So those real accommodations—the ones that would actually help you perform better, feel more comfortable, or manage your energy more effectively—they go unasked. We suffer in silence rather than risk reinforcing stereotypes about people who look different.
⚖️ The Weight of Assumptions
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The Weight of Assumptions
The exhausting part is carrying other people's assumptions while also managing your actual needs. You're simultaneously dealing with unwanted help and lacking necessary support. People project neediness onto you based on appearance alone, then use their own projections as evidence that you require special treatment.
It's a cycle that keeps you small grateful for inappropriate accommodations you don't want, while you secretly struggling with challenges you can't voice. You learn to manage around your real needs rather than advocate for them, because the cost of being seen as "difficult" feels too much.
It's a cycle that keeps you small grateful for inappropriate accommodations you don't want, while you secretly struggling with challenges you can't voice. You learn to manage around your real needs rather than advocate for them, because the cost of being seen as "difficult" feels too much.
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Breaking the Pattern
I'm still learning how to navigate this. Sometimes it means:
- Having direct conversations about what I actually need versus what people assume I need
- Finding allies who can help advocate alongside me
- Accepting that some people will always see me through the lens of their assumptions
But what I've learned from that teacher's cruel comment all those years ago is this: other people's limited vision of what I can accomplish has nothing to do with my actual potential. Whether they see me as needy or capable, whether they offer the wrong help or refuse the right support, my worth and my ability to succeed aren't determined by their assumtions of me.
The accommodations I need aren't signs of weakness they're tools that help me perform at my best. And I'm slowly learning that advocating for what actually helps me is worth more than managing other people's comfort with their assumptions.
- Having direct conversations about what I actually need versus what people assume I need
- Finding allies who can help advocate alongside me
- Accepting that some people will always see me through the lens of their assumptions
But what I've learned from that teacher's cruel comment all those years ago is this: other people's limited vision of what I can accomplish has nothing to do with my actual potential. Whether they see me as needy or capable, whether they offer the wrong help or refuse the right support, my worth and my ability to succeed aren't determined by their assumtions of me.
The accommodations I need aren't signs of weakness they're tools that help me perform at my best. And I'm slowly learning that advocating for what actually helps me is worth more than managing other people's comfort with their assumptions.
""Because at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of not asking for help. And that thirteen-year-old who heard she wouldn't amount to anything? She deserves better than to keep making herself smaller to fit other people's limited expectations.